how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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