Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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