the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
