Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
