I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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