My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
