well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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