My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
