I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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