yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
