I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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