I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
