Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
