so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
