We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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