stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
