you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
