Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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