So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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