Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
