you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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