You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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