I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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