Soap is not a condiment
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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