You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
