We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize