got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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