I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize