My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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