The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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