True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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