I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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