some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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