This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
