I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
