i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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