i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
