my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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