Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
