Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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