I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
