so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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