I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
