I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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