Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Randomize
