News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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