Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize