what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
