I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dicks are not precious.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
