chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
