I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
