So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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