Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
