someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
