Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
