Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
MIDGETS
????
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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