i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
