someone get that fucking seahorse.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
