she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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