I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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